Retro Stockmastery: The many beards of Wall Street

All the way back from October 2006, for those of you who missed this one - enjoy. 

"There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless-boys and women, and I am neither one." - Old Greek saying

According to Wikipedia, having a beard has implied many things about a man over the course of history - including "wisdom, sexual potency, or high status, but also a lack of cleanliness and refinement, or an eccentric disposition." I'd like to think Abraham Lincoln possessed a little of all of these traits. Alas, beards have fallen from grace in modern society. Like a heavily cyclical industry, society's acceptance of facial hair has proven to have peaks and valleys. Currently, we are in a deep valley. Modern beard wear has been cast to obscurity, now only appearing on college professors, commercial fisherman, eccentric professional athletes, and Larry Ellison. Astute investors know that when particular asset classes fall out of favor, it is time to buy. Accordingly, this weekend edition of The Stockmasters ranks the top 10 beard-related stocks in the S&P 500.

10. Yum! Brands, Inc. (YUM)

YUM's portfolio of brands includes KFC, and no talk of KFC is complete without a discussion of one the most venerable beard pioneers of all-time, Colonel Sanders. So unique was the Colonel's beard style, that it could not be classified accurately in any beard category catalogued during his prime. So what about Pizza Hut and Taco Bell you may ask? Does YUM still deserve a spot on this list when considering the other brands in the portfolio? Take a trip down to the local Pizza Hut, and you tell me. What's that you say? Wall to wall Bud Light soaked beards? That's what I thought.

9. PACCAR Inc. (PCAR)

PACCAR designs and builds heavy duty diesel trucks under the Peterbilt and Kenworth brands. Anyone who has driven cross-country knows that truckers do three things well: spotting smokies, putting together an impenetrable convoy, and showcasing the proper wearing of a good ol' fashioned road beard. As long as there are trucks on the road, there will be midnight convoys of chin-straps, balbos, hulihees, van dykes, and soul patches.

8. eBay Inc. (EBAY)

If you would like two hours of unbridled fun, go ahead and enter "beards" into the eBay search window. From maintenance, to dyeing, to an unbelievably hilarious 1997 Ken doll with a goatee, beard aficionados come here for their souvenirs and practical items. Look to eBay as one of the first beneficiaries of the eventual resurgence of domestic beard popularity. In case you were wondering, bidding has ended on "Pretending-To-Like-Nirvana" Ken. Winning bid: $4.12.

7. International Flavors & Fragrances Inc. (IFF)

It is no stretch to state that in order to have a proper Flavor Saver, you first need some flava' to be savorin'. That is where IFF comes into our list. This company uses both natural and synthetic compounds to make sure that the "smoky goodness" in your favorite jerky reminds you of fun camping trips, and not the time you volunteered at that homeless shelter.

6. AT&T Inc. (T) - AT&T makes our list simply because of telephone inventor, Alexander Graham Bell's impossibly cool beard. I can only imagine some of the first test phone calls on the newly invented telephone:

(Phone rings in old timey way)
Bell: Hello?
Assistant: Good god, I can actually hear your beard's coolness, talk about clarity.
Bell: I told you to stop that, it makes me uncomfortable.

WILDCARD ALERT!! Alliant Techsystems (ATK)

ATK supplies the ammunition and gun systems to our boys in Iraq. When America found Saddam Hussein, the first thing we did was strip him of his beard. Genocidal maniacs have neither the right nor the moral fiber to wear a beard. In fact, he only got away with it by hiding in a dark hole. Protection of international beard integrity is a leading indicator of future beard popularity, and our actions in this regard were decisive and swift. Chamber another round of beard justice with ATK!

5. Freeport-McMoran (FCX)

Have you ever seen a gold prospector without a beard? I haven't. Gold prospecting and beard wearing have gone together like sluice boxes and rusty knife fights since 1848. The boys at FCX excavate copper and gold on a scale that would make Sutter's Mill look like finding a penny on the bathroom floor at Waffle House. Recent commodities weakness has hit this stock hard, but as the old prospecting adage goes, "If you were my friend, you wouldn't be stabbing my mule." Sage advice, old timer, sage advice.

4. Procter & Gamble (PG)

Although there are different camps with respect to hygiene in the bearding community, one company has the market cornered on high class beard care, Procter & Gamble. With brands like Gillette and Braun, PG is the place that bearders go after they had to explain to their wife that being an hour late was a direct result of misplacing car keys in a grossly unkempt beard.

3. Avon Products (AVP)

An unfortunate necessity of any top ten beard list is the mention that beard wearing for women has yet to gain acceptance. This unfortunate reality only amplifies as beard popularity grows. Such is the inverse relationship between the feminine hair removal industry and the eventual celebration and rejuvenation of male bearding. Nobody does hair removal like AVP (you can't invest in grisly gas barbeque lighting accidents), making this stock an excellent bearding play.

2. Oracle Corp. (ORCL)

Larry Ellison is the bearded prince of the kingdom Beardmania. All hail.

1. Lincoln National (LNC) - The name Lincoln defines modern beard wear. He is the gold standard, the Michael Jordan of facial hair. Lincoln also represents the only publicly traded company that proudly displays a beard on its very logo. Emancipate yourself some value with the ultimate beard play: American history's greatest, scraggliest, and wisest beard. As Lincoln would have most assuredly said about this list: "A face unbearded cannot stand."

Unfortunately, it may be too late, as sage beard wearing equity analysts at huge hedge funds may have already factored beard resurgence into the price of these stocks. The Beard Portfolio is up 15% YTD as of last Friday's close, doubling the S&P return.

Tragically, the author is short the ability to grow a beard, but has a long position in respect for Cramer's subtle ode to bearding.